Uphill Battle

As I write this post I am already late. I'm supposed to be getting ready for church right now, before the rush on the bathroom starts. Instead, here I am.

It is not lost on me that this situation pretty well sums up how my life is going these days. I should be doing "X," but instead, I'm doing "Y." At the moment "Y" is something that is completely under my control - I could decide not to write a blog post at this exact moment and go take a shower instead. But lately, it seems most of the "Ys" cropping up are things I can't do a darned thing about: Financial disasters, unexpected illnesses, government shut downs, other people not following through, etc.

Logically, I know this is how life is, there are upswings and downswings. To succeed we have to learn to make the most of the ups and ride out the downs. I'm trying to take my own advice by focusing on the things that I can control right now, one of which is my writing. I've thrown myself into preparation for National Novel Writing Month full force. For my third go-round with NaNo I'm determined to not just produce 50,000 words for their own sake, I want to dig a little deeper and challenge myself in new ways.

My novel idea has been percolating in the back of my mind for a full year. It is the story I wanted to tell last year, but veered away from last minute. At the time, the story hit too close to home. It is about a teenaged girl adopted from foster care as a young child who has a random encounter with a bio relative that challenges her sense of her own identity.  I started making notes, but soon realized I needed some time and distance from doing foster care before I could write about it. We didn't know what the ending of our own story would be then, it was all just too personal, too real.

Now, looking back, giving the idea a year to percolate was a good thing. When I sat down in September to begin blocking out the story I was amazed at how easily it flowed; my subconscious had been busy all that time. I blocked out each chapter using the cork board in Scrivener, doing a detailed synopsis for each one. I also used Scapple, a new Literature and Latte product, to brainstorm my way through some of the rough spots. Now, when November first comes, I can devote myself entirely to writing without having to stop and think "Hmm. What comes next?"

I am more prepared than I have ever been before and it feels good. Of course, that being said, I still find that writing with an outline is more like an archeological dig than building something from a blue print. My map shows me where to start digging, but what I uncover has a shape and direction of its own that is gradually revealed only through the act of writing.

The sound of doors slamming and children arguing upstairs tells me it is now or never where the bathroom is concerned, so I'll end this post here.  Hopefully, the next time I post the downturn will have become an upswing once again. Until then, I'll just keep on coasting here in the Slow Lane.

Some Adjustments to the Plan

I recently blogged about the implosion of my savings account after some unforeseen events.

During my non-profit days I learned a lot about strategic planning. If you aren't familiar with that term, it is just a fancy way to describe coming up with a vision three to five years from now, and then backing it out into the specific steps needed to achieve it. One of the most important parts of strategic planning is to periodically review your vision, your plan and your progress and make any adjustments needed to stay on track.

My recent bank-balance crisis seemed like a logical point to review my goals and strategies, since obviously, something wasn't working somewhere.

First, I looked at my ultimate vision to determine if it was still valid. The answer is yes, it is, I do still want to buy a house and be a published writer. Next, I looked at my time frame. Does three years give me enough time to do what I have to do to get there? Should I be working a five-year plan instead? Sure, extra time would be great, but my gut instinct is I can still do it in three if I make adjustments. Lastly, I took a look at my actual strategies, which is where I found room for improvement.My main tactic was reduce expenses and save something out of every paycheck. While this is a great start, clearly, I need to do more.

The writing is on the wall: It is time to get a second job.

I can't say that I'm thrilled about taking on a part time job, but the extra layer of financial security will be a welcome relief. Now, I just have to figure out what job, and how many hours do I think I can manage each week without negatively impacting either my day job, or my writing goals.

Check back soon to find out what second job I chose and find out how its going.

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

You may have (hopefully) noticed that I've been missing from the blogosphere for the past month.

When I last posted I was making small, but steady, gains in the savings department. I was on a Kaiser roll, blogging twice a week, enjoying some post-foster care freedom, and making progress on Weight Watchers.

Thirty days later my savings are back down to almost zero, the URLs to my blog expired and I couldn't afford to renew them (due to said savings issue), and the foster kids are back again - although, technically, they aren't foster kids now. Oh, and I gained back most of the weight I recently lost, too, from stress eating.

Yea, I know, you're thinking "WTF???" All I can say is it was Murphy's Law - whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.

The fact is, if you live close to the edge of your income, as I do, it doesn't take much to upset the financial apple cart. By the same token, living my life according to the values that are important to me (ie, helping others) means sometimes sacrifices have to be made. Both happened at once this time and it knocked me right back to the starting line again.

I'm not posting about all this just to moan and groan and say poor me. No, my point is the difference between success and failure comes down to one simple thing: perseverance. When sh*t happens - and it will happen - you can either give up and wallow in it, or you can get up and keep moving.

I choose to keep moving.

In my next post I'll share more about how I intend to get back on track and make up for lost time. Until then, here's wishing you well on your own journey from here in the Slow Lane.

Could this be progress?

A month or two has passed since I launched my three year plan, so I thought I'd let you know how its going so far.

Here are the goals I've been working towards:

Click on the graphic to enlarge for easier viewing

Take writing classes, work on improving my craft: I signed-on as a member at www.writersvillage.com.  I took a six week writing course and joined a flash fiction writing group. Being part of a flash fiction group requires me to create something new on a weekly basis, which is both challenging and rewarding. I'm considering taking a course on plot development next. All-in-all, I'd say I'm well on my way in this category.

Make Saving a Habit: I wish I could say this has been going as swimmingly as my writing has been, but I'd be lying if I did. Yes, technically I have made saving a habit. Each paycheck, I put something in my savings account, even if it isn't much. The problem is, each month a new disaster crops up and I end up tapping into it. The silver lining here is that when a disaster did strike, I was ready for it. And, because I made the commitment to replace the money I "borrowed" from my savings, I bounced back pretty quick. I've also been using MINT.com long enough to have several months worth of data to contrast. I have identified some areas where I think I can try to spend a little less and save a little more, which will be my next goal.

Find Daily Me Time: As anticipated, this is the hardest goal to reach and the one where I've made the least progress. Aside from the all the activity that goes on every day raising kids and working, a whole lot of other very stressful obligations cropped up this month that I really could have done without. I find I actually have less "me" time now than I did two months ago, which is not good. I have to find ways to do better with this, I just don't quite know how yet.

If you are a working mom and have time to comment I would love to hear how you carve "me" time out of your busy day. I need all the suggestions I can get!

Re-decorating in the Slow Lane

Over the past month or so I've been focusing my bloggy activity on giving the blog a serious make-over. I think it is starting to finally come together, but what I think about it isn't all that important. The feeback that really matters is yours.

Whether you've been with me for awhile now, or are a first time visitor, I'd like to know what you think about the following:

Content:
Is the content worth your time? Are posts too long, too short, too frequent or not frequent enough? Is it clear to you what the focus of the blog is, or do I need to put a finer point on it?

Design:
How about the color scheme and layout? Are they working for you? If not, what would make the look and feel more appealing? Are the navigational tools easy to find and use?

Thanks in advance for your help making a ride through the Slow Lane a trip worth taking.

The Slow Lane Path to Home Onwership

All of my adult life I have wanted to own my own home. I briefly did, back in the early nineties when I was still married. But when we split up the house had to be sold. I've been renting and/or house sharing with others ever since.

Breaking back into home ownership has been an uphill battle, with lots of barriers to success. To begin with I happen to live in one of the most expensive housing markets in the state, if not the entire country (In 2012 the median price of homes here was a whopping $350,000). I live on a modest income and the cost of living here is high, so saving towards a down payment has been difficult. Whenever I would manage to build up some savings, like clockwork some disaster (usually kid or auto related) would come along and wipe me out again. Single parenting and chronic underemployment left more than a few dings in my credit rating along the way as well.

So with all this working against me what the heck makes me think I'm going to finally buy a home three years from now? Simply this: The facts of my situation haven't changed, but my attitude and expectations have. Namely, I've done the following:

Put it on the Calendar:
There is a huge difference between owning a home "someday" and owning a home "three years from now." By giving myself a firm deadline I created a sense of urgency around doing the things I need to do to make it happen.

Manage Expectations:
For years I had this rosy image in my mind of myself and my son living in a house with a yard and a swing set in a good school district. When my son turned twenty and grew a goatee, I realized it was probably time to revise my vision of success. I'm now open to the idea that a less costly condo in a more affordable area might turn out to be more my speed.

Repair Past Damage:
Considering I'm a one income household, and said income is modest at best, I'm going to need my credit rating to be as good as it possibly can be to get a mortgage. In my case some old medical bills, late car payments and a charged off credit card are the culprits bringing down my FICO score. Over the past several years I've been slowly paying these debts off, but the negative information will remain on my report for a full seven years. I can't do anything about that, but I can use the time wisely by creating new positive history by means of a secured credit card. By the time I am ready to apply for a mortgage most of the negative history will have fallen off my report and, hopefully, my hard work raising my score will have paid off as well.

Commit to Saving:
When I was a teenager my auto insurance agent gave me some good advice: pay yourself first. What this means is don't wait for a windfall to put money in savings. Put something into savings right away out of each paycheck, no matter how little, and resolve not to touch it. If I can save just $150 a month, I'll have $5,400 to put towards a down payment three years from now. Some months hopefully I can save more, others it may be less. The important thing is making adding to my savings my first financial priority every month.

Set Better Boundaries:
I have a tendency to sometimes put too much into helping others, at the expense of what I need for my own well being. I need to enforce my boundaries better, even if sometimes it might mean saying "no" a little more often than I'd like. This might sound easy, but I suspect it will be the hardest change to make.

Most of these things are not big, difficult changes, but I hope that by embracing them I will see a big payoff when I eventually reach my goal. After all, slow and steady wins the race, especially here in the Slow Lane.

Recalculating: Toothy Problem Causes Major Detour

We were out to dinner one night recently, trying out the new diner in town, when I thought I heard Big Brother say "Wait, are those dentures?" At the time I was trying to get Baby Brother to stop climbing out of his high chair, so I was only vaguely aware of the pandemonium occurring in the adjacent booth. I turned around to look and sure enough, there were a pair of dentures sitting on the table grinning up at a giggling huddle of squeamish teenage waitresses. Just then the owner of said choppers re-appeared; Without a word the elderly owner scooped up her missing teeth, put them back in her mouth and stalked off as if the whole thing were just business as usual.

Normally, I would have found this episode extremely entertaining, but as everyone around me was falling over laughing, I was feeling more than a little unsettled. The more I thought about it, the more I realized the incident was reminiscent of that scene in "A Christmas Carol," the one where Scrooge is shown the unpleasant future that awaits him unless he makes major changes. In one of those strange moments of clarity that come out of the blue, I suddenly realized that despite all my introspective blogging and pipe dreaming about sailing off into the sunset someday to write, if I didn't figure a few things out in the here and now, and come up with more of a concrete plan, I was going to wake up one day to find myself used up and worn out, sitting by myself in a diner with only my dentures grinning at me across the table for company.

After more than a year of blogging I still hadn't answered the question of where was I going with it. I started the blog at a time in my life when, literally, I felt very much like a car stalled in the slow lane while everyone else sped by me. Blogging seemed like a way to explore where I wanted to go next in life by doing something I loved, writing. Slowly, blog post by blog post, I began to peel back the layers of job titles that were how I defined myself - Mom, Executive Director, Tradeshow Coordinator, Designer, Waitress, Volunteer, etc., etc. - to figure out who I was underneath. Little by little, I began to think of myself in terms of adjectives, not job titles, associating myself with words such as "creative," "strong," and even "funny." A  more authentic image of myself as a person began to emerge and, with it, a nebulous new sense of what shape the future might take. I started blogging more about writing, exploring what creativity meant to me.

Just when I was starting to feel pretty good about where things were going, both on the blog and in life, foster care came along and kicked the stuffing right out of my newly minted sense of self. My fragile little identity got crushed to pieces under the hefty new title they gave me to add to my already prodigious collection: Resource Parent. My leisurely introspection went right out the window as I found myself consumed with the mechanics of filling the needs of other people all over again. The newly emerging me put up a valiant fight, but was slowly disappearing, being obliterated by the long hours and emotional stress of caring for traumatized children. Even my blog, the one little corner of cyber space that was supposed to be mine and mine alone, had became mostly about the kids. I wasn't blogging as me anymore, I was blogging as a foster parent. Once again, my job title was hardening around me like a shell, covering up all the things about myself I had been trying so hard to uncover and let out into the world. I love the kids and I enjoyed blogging about our journey together, but as time went on I was losing more and more of myself in the process. I knew that had to stop.

That evening, after the kids were in bed, I shut my blog down, deleted my URL from my email signature, and put away the other creative writing I had been working on. I needed to sit with it all awhile, figure out how I was going to combine being a second-time around mom--with the uncertainty of foster care thrown in--with what I needed to make my own dreams and future goals into a real possibility. I knew I needed more than just a few hazy thoughts about what I might like to do, I needed a real plan of action. This was too important to screw up, especially since I didn't have another couple decades to spare focusing only on child-rearing before I thought about my own future (my so-called strategy the first time around).

So, a couple of months later, here I am back again. I've figured some things out, made some decisions, and I'm ready to take action. Finally, thanks to a rouge pair of false teeth, I have a new sense of direction. I'm still living life in the Slow Lane so I know there will be a few unanticipated jug handles here and there, but at least I'm no longer endlessly circling the roundabout.

I'll tell you more about where my journey here in the Slow Lane is leading in my next post. In the meantime, don't forget to floss; Those dentures looked anything but comfortable.

Who Am I?

Since I started this blog almost two months ago, I've been trying to figure out where I'm going with it. As you may have noticed, it doesn't have any central theme or running topic. In the world of blogging, this is a big no-no.

Over the past couple of months I've written about activism, my long string of jobs,  my ever-entertaining neighbors, and the trials and tribulations of single parenthood. Any one of those subjects would make a good blog theme. The problem is, none of those topics feels right to me and I've been trying to figure out why.

I've heard it said that everyone is an expert in something. Me, though, I'm more of a Jack of All Trades type. I've fallen in and out of jobs as the circumstances in my life changed, picking up a little something here, a little something else there, but always moving on before I ever got to the "expert" level at anything.

I managed my first restaurant only because the boss got locked up.

The eight years I spent teaching CCD only happened because when I went to enroll my son, Sister said "Do you teach?"  When I said "Uh, no." Her reply was "You do now."

I never really planned to become involved in activism, either, but once people knew I would help with things, they just kept on coming.

Even my entry into the graphic arts, the most career-like thing I ever did, was accidental. I was originally hired to be the office manager, but the boss had control issues and couldn't let go of anything. I gravitated to the graphics department out of sheer boredom and hassled them until they finally let me help them with stuff.

Do you see the same pattern that I'm seeing?

All these things, fortuitous though they may have been, were just a case of right place, right time (or maybe wrong place, wrong time, depending how you look at it).  Very little of what I've done in life, other than being Evan's mom, was ever a deliberate choice derived simply from me, being myself and pursuing my own interests. If I had a life plan at all, it was just 'suck it up and keep moving.' As the bargain-basement of life plans, it gets the job done, but doesn't leave much room for personal fulfillment.

Life is good right now and I'm happy. But I realize if I'm ever going to live a more deliberate and personally fulfilling life, I need to break the pattern. So I guess the blog is really turning out to be more of quest than anything else. It has become about me, figuring out who Kelly is without the job title du jour attached.

To figure out what I'm about at the bottom of it all and what I want my future to be, first I've got to look back and examine where I've been. Since I've been a lot of places, that might mean some very eclectic blog posts. I don't know if you'll hang in there with me, reader, but I certainly hope you will. The ultimate destination might just surprise us both.

Norman Rockwell's picture says it all

Change is Good . . . Isn't it?

I've always believed that Change. Is. Good. That's what I tell myself, anyway. . . most of the time. The fact is, change is actually kind of hard--not to mention inevitable. Whether any of us likes it or not, none of us stays twenty forever. Children become adults. Time marches on. About the only thing that never changes is the fact that nothing stays the same.

Change can be hard, but accepting the inevitability of it and being open to new things isn't necessarily a bad thing. Otherwise, you take too much for granted and before you know it, you've passed important milestones in the blink of an eye.
I've been trying to teach this to my son, but at 18 time is still his friend. He mumbles a long-suffering "Ok Mom, whatever" and I know he thinks it's just more crazy mom-talk. Before I know it, he'll be leaving the nest and flying away to start his life as a young adult. Mentally, I know the whole point of raising kids is to see them become independent adults, but emotionally it is hard to let them go. Really, really hard.

I think the reason change is always so hard for people is that so often, we don't get a choice about it. It just happens when it happens, how it happens, and all we can do is try to roll with it as best we can. One of my coping mechanisms is to try something new on purpose, I guess just to feel that I've taken back a little bit of personal power in the face of a bigger situation that I have no control over.

Lots of things are changing for me. I'm getting older, and starting to look and feel it. My baby isn't a baby anymore. My professional life is changing, too. I don't know where I'll be, or what my life will look like when the dust settles and the next chapter begins, but today, at least, I know what I'm doing. Today I took the bull by the horns and started a blog, because Change. Is. Good.